When Leaders Lose

Hot tears dripped down her cheek as she nervously touched her coffee cup.

The conversation started simply enough to make me believe that she was really "over it". But as she peeled back the layers of her story I realized she no longer cared if she seemed vulnerable. And I was o.k. with that - I wanted her to feel safe talking to me.

Her experience was far too familiar.

I ached as she recounted the meetings and the side hallway confrontations. I felt my own tears well up as she told me how it affected her children - how her husband, who had always been strong and confident, now questioned his purpose on this earth.

What was it?

Church problems. Intense church problems. Mean, cruel words. Rumors. Divisive people hatching back room plans to remove the pastor - and she was his wife. They stayed, by the way. And for the most part she was better. Her kids were better. Her husband was better. But what seemed to still evoke the most emotion was when she spoke of how people, even the good ones, responded to the distress of difficult times for their leader. That was the root of her pain. 

It made me think. What happens to us as followers when our leader loses? How do you respond when your boss is publicly reprimanded? Or your favorite celebrity divorces? When politicians experience tragedy? Your pastor faces demonic opposition? - how do you feel? Are they a person or just a "thing" to you?

Everyone has losses. Even leaders. But somehow we are disappointed - instead of seeing their loss, we see them as a loser. I cannot speak from everyone's experience but let me talk to you as a pastor. Let me tell you what we need as leaders when we go through difficulty - you can take the principles of my statements and use them with leaders in your life.

1. Don't see their pain as an inconvenience.

It's easy to stand with someone when they hit a rough patch initially. But there is something about seeing a leader in pain for longer than five minutes. You know why? Because sometimes we don't know what to do with their pain. It's confusing, therefore it's inconvenient.

I'll never forget facing a particularly painful time and many people knew about it. One morning at church a person I considered a friend asked me how I was doing. When I allowed myself to answer her honestly - I let my pain show. I needed to. It had become taxing to smile while I was biting my cheek to not cry. Also, at that point if I had said "I'm good. How are you?", it would have been a lie. And I couldn't lie. The moment the words "I'm not ok." left my lips and tears filled my eyes, her face went blank...and nauseating regret hit my stomach. She did NOT want to know. She asked to ease her own guilt. She needed me to say I was fine and all was back to normal - but it wasn't. It was like cold water. It wasn't the first time someone had looked at me like that. I shut down. For months I opened up to no one - and that was worse.

Let your leader express emotion - even if it isn't the one you want to see. Give them the space to find a safe place to vent - even if it isn't to you. You cannot comprehend how healing that will be for your leader.

2. Allow them time to grieve in their own time and in their own way.

Some people need to cry. Some people need to laugh. Some people need to be alone. Some people need to be in the middle of everything. The grieving process is a very personal thing and no one needs you to define it for them.

I have watched those who have lost loved ones process their loss by continually talking about the person - pictures, recounting memories, anything to keep them "alive" and help in their own healing. While others rarely speak their loved one's name in public because they want to keep them in a private place in their mind in order to heal.

Some leaders need a sabbatical and some need to throw themselves into projects - let them. Don't be offended if your leader doesn't cry enough...or cries too much or too long in your opinion. Allow your leader to figure out for themselves how they can become healthy in the new normal they are experiencing.

3. Stand by them.

Stand by them publicly. Pain sometimes causes paranoia in the best of us. If your leader's loss is one where rumors or ugly statements are running rampant then THEY NEED YOU to stand with them openly. Your silence will only fuel the fires of those causing problems because they will assume that you are with them. The problem people take your silence and tell the leader that "everyone" is saying <fill in the blank>.

4. Assume the best about your leader - not the worst.

It's easy for us as followers to believe negative things about leaders. When crisis comes and it doesn't line up with the "theology" we have created in our own minds, we feel we have no choice but to place blame on someone - usually the person experiencing the crisis. There must be something wrong - something secret, something bad - for something so terrible to happen to them. See, if we allow ourselves to believe that sometimes, for whatever reason (and there are reasons), bad things happen to good people...then we are opening ourselves up to the possibility that difficulty might happen to us...and we just can't handle that thought, right? Also, it's hard to swallow that the person who is supposed to be in your life to help you needs help themselves. It feels unnatural so we buy into whatever eases our discomfort. Don't do that.

  Protect them. Protect their family. Protect the unity of your church or place of business. Don't get involved in conspiracy theories and hypothetical what-ifs. Practice this by staying off of gossip sites and watching rumor mill TV shows. Treat ALL people in a place of influence, even celebrities, with respect that they are human and have the same emotions any of us have. I've been just as guilty as the next person about standing back from instead of standing with a leader. 

Make it your mission to trust the heart of your leader - after all, you followed them so they can't be all bad. ;)

So what about my friend from the top of this page? She's well. She told me she won't let her pain be wasted. She told me the enemy will regret the day he ever touched her family. She trusts God now more than ever. She's on a mission to help heal hurting people. I'm proud of her. Her loss is our gain. <3

Peace.

I Shop at Target: thoughts from a Preacher's Wife

I shop at Target.

I like Target.

My family looks like a walking Target ad.

...sigh...It took two cups of coffee and a diet pill for me to finally get the nerve to type those words. You want to know why? Because I am a pastor's wife and in my circles it's unpopular and at this point, could possibly be considered a sin.

This week Target announced (I think? There are still conflicting reports since most of my news comes from Facebook) that they would allow people to use the bathroom of the gender that they "identified" as, not necessarily the gender of their birth. For those of you living under a rock, it means that men can use women's restrooms and vice-versa...while you or your daughters/sons are also using the restroom. Obviously, we understand how quickly this could escalate into a dangerous situation if a sex offender chooses to manipulate the system. However, I am not here to argue this point.  

I am here to ask exactly what are we doing as believers.

When I got up to drink my first cup of coffee and read my Bible and journal and then Instagram it so I could prove that I actually did all those things, I got distracted by a news article on my phone. The USA Today piece was called "One of the Year's Most Banned Books, Among World's Scariest" (and no, it's not Harry Potter - calm down). It's the Bible. THE Bible. Our Bible.

The columnist, Eric Metaxas, says "...the Bible is among the most frequently requested (books) to be removed from public libraries...why is owning one (a Bible) today in North Korea punishable by death? What makes it scarier to some people than anything by Stephen King? Actually, quite a bit. Words and ideas have power, and the words and ideas in the Bible have so much power that a rather recent History Channel documentary titled 101 Objects that Changed the World said the single thing that changed the world more than anything else was the Bible." 

Wow. This didn't come from a pulpit or "preacher post". Nope. It came from secular media. The very book we base our beliefs, our lives, our destinies...and our arguments...on is cited as the most world changing "object" in history by SECULAR media. That's amazing. I can hear the amen corner now. So then why do we not trust the power of the Word to be enough? Why do we insist on cramming it down everyone's throat - including one another's - when we feel threatened? Some of you are looking up Scripture references to argue your point against this blog and you haven't even finished reading it.

Let me calm your nerves. I am not just a Christian - I am one of those Pentecostal, Charismatic, Spirit filled (whatever your choice of wording) Christians. I am bold in my faith and my opinions. I am loud and a little strange. I know that I am to be "in the world, but not of this world". I am fiercely protective of my rights as an American AND a Christian. I own a gun and I know how to shoot it. I am frustrated that aging rockstars think they have the right to villainize anyone who disagrees with their liberal beliefs. I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting and defending my faith in a nation that was built on religious freedom. I also know the very faith I defend daily teaches me to defend with boldness, but also in Love - Not agreement with everyone, but Love toward everyone.

I just think it's time we change our perspective. God's ways are perfect. He causes ALL things to work for our good. His plans are flawless. So then when we encounter something or someone that blatantly flies in the face of what we believe is truth, don't you think God not only has the answer but the strategy to see that answer manifest on this earth? Sadly, we often assume we already know...and we quote "the weapons of our warfare are not carnal (natural) but they are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds..." (2 Corinthians 10:4) but we do the opposite. We fire off angry posts. We picket and ban and boycott...and then we make very little difference and usually end up eating our words. Half the people I see posting that they will NEVER shop at Target again either don't have a Target in their town (so it doesn't count) or are lying - not intentionally lying, but they'll go back...you can't stay away from that Target home section, those candles...admit it. It's the same people who boycotted Disney World - for one summer. Or posted their angry vlogs against the evil red cups last Christmas. We are supposed to be the ARMY OF GOD, but we just sound like a group of junior high bullies. When our perspective becomes the perspective of heaven, our strategies become the strategies of heaven. And those strategies are fail-proof.

Like, maybe instead of railing against our government for taking prayer and Bibles out of schools, we understand that there is NO PLACE ON EARTH that the Word of God cannot go. You know how? When we spend time in the Word, the living, breathing, life giving, world changing Word of God - it becomes a part of us. So everywhere I go, the Word goes. Teach your children the Word and it will go into their schools every day. It can't be stopped. The Holy Spirit walks into every Starbucks and Target I walk into...because He is alive in me. You want to make a difference? Go to your local Target today and while you're shopping begin to meditate on the words of the Lord to Joshua - every place your feet step you will have authority. Pray in the Spirit (quietly or silently, please) as you grocery shop. Thank God that we get to live in a day and time that has been prophesied to be the greatest days of the outpouring of the Holy Spirit the earth has ever seen. We are living in the last days - the harvest of souls that will come to know Jesus Christ is going to be unprecedented! If secular media admits and reports that the Bible is "dangerous" to life as we know it - then why don't you invade the world with that world changing power living inside of you?  

And please know, if the Lord spoke to you and told you to stay away from a place, then do it. My family chooses to abstain from many things that other believers engage in regularly. It's decisions we make based on instruction from the Holy Spirit about daily choices - not sin or disobedience to the Word. We need to speak out. We need to get involved in politics and social issues. It's our responsibility as Americans. But Jesus instructed us to "be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves". So guess what, I won't be using the restrooms (neither will my daughters) at ANY establishment that allows men in a ladies' room. It's not wise. However, I won't jump on angry bandwagons with people who have no real plan to initiate change either. I am alive. I have the one true living God inside of me. I am actively obeying His daily instructions. So I am changing the world everyday. 

I suppose I'm just asking us to step back and ask the Lord, how do You want us to deal with this? Because His ways are higher and greater...and they always end in victory.