Hot tears dripped down her cheek as she nervously touched her coffee cup.
The conversation started simply enough to make me believe that she was really "over it". But as she peeled back the layers of her story I realized she no longer cared if she seemed vulnerable. And I was o.k. with that - I wanted her to feel safe talking to me.
Her experience was far too familiar.
I ached as she recounted the meetings and the side hallway confrontations. I felt my own tears well up as she told me how it affected her children - how her husband, who had always been strong and confident, now questioned his purpose on this earth.
What was it?
Church problems. Intense church problems. Mean, cruel words. Rumors. Divisive people hatching back room plans to remove the pastor - and she was his wife. They stayed, by the way. And for the most part she was better. Her kids were better. Her husband was better. But what seemed to still evoke the most emotion was when she spoke of how people, even the good ones, responded to the distress of difficult times for their leader. That was the root of her pain.
It made me think. What happens to us as followers when our leader loses? How do you respond when your boss is publicly reprimanded? Or your favorite celebrity divorces? When politicians experience tragedy? Your pastor faces demonic opposition? - how do you feel? Are they a person or just a "thing" to you?
Everyone has losses. Even leaders. But somehow we are disappointed - instead of seeing their loss, we see them as a loser. I cannot speak from everyone's experience but let me talk to you as a pastor. Let me tell you what we need as leaders when we go through difficulty - you can take the principles of my statements and use them with leaders in your life.
1. Don't see their pain as an inconvenience.
It's easy to stand with someone when they hit a rough patch initially. But there is something about seeing a leader in pain for longer than five minutes. You know why? Because sometimes we don't know what to do with their pain. It's confusing, therefore it's inconvenient.
I'll never forget facing a particularly painful time and many people knew about it. One morning at church a person I considered a friend asked me how I was doing. When I allowed myself to answer her honestly - I let my pain show. I needed to. It had become taxing to smile while I was biting my cheek to not cry. Also, at that point if I had said "I'm good. How are you?", it would have been a lie. And I couldn't lie. The moment the words "I'm not ok." left my lips and tears filled my eyes, her face went blank...and nauseating regret hit my stomach. She did NOT want to know. She asked to ease her own guilt. She needed me to say I was fine and all was back to normal - but it wasn't. It was like cold water. It wasn't the first time someone had looked at me like that. I shut down. For months I opened up to no one - and that was worse.
Let your leader express emotion - even if it isn't the one you want to see. Give them the space to find a safe place to vent - even if it isn't to you. You cannot comprehend how healing that will be for your leader.
2. Allow them time to grieve in their own time and in their own way.
Some people need to cry. Some people need to laugh. Some people need to be alone. Some people need to be in the middle of everything. The grieving process is a very personal thing and no one needs you to define it for them.
I have watched those who have lost loved ones process their loss by continually talking about the person - pictures, recounting memories, anything to keep them "alive" and help in their own healing. While others rarely speak their loved one's name in public because they want to keep them in a private place in their mind in order to heal.
Some leaders need a sabbatical and some need to throw themselves into projects - let them. Don't be offended if your leader doesn't cry enough...or cries too much or too long in your opinion. Allow your leader to figure out for themselves how they can become healthy in the new normal they are experiencing.
3. Stand by them.
Stand by them publicly. Pain sometimes causes paranoia in the best of us. If your leader's loss is one where rumors or ugly statements are running rampant then THEY NEED YOU to stand with them openly. Your silence will only fuel the fires of those causing problems because they will assume that you are with them. The problem people take your silence and tell the leader that "everyone" is saying <fill in the blank>.
4. Assume the best about your leader - not the worst.
It's easy for us as followers to believe negative things about leaders. When crisis comes and it doesn't line up with the "theology" we have created in our own minds, we feel we have no choice but to place blame on someone - usually the person experiencing the crisis. There must be something wrong - something secret, something bad - for something so terrible to happen to them. See, if we allow ourselves to believe that sometimes, for whatever reason (and there are reasons), bad things happen to good people...then we are opening ourselves up to the possibility that difficulty might happen to us...and we just can't handle that thought, right? Also, it's hard to swallow that the person who is supposed to be in your life to help you needs help themselves. It feels unnatural so we buy into whatever eases our discomfort. Don't do that.
It's easy for us as followers to believe negative things about leaders. When crisis comes and it doesn't line up with the "theology" we have created in our own minds, we feel we have no choice but to place blame on someone - usually the person experiencing the crisis. There must be something wrong - something secret, something bad - for something so terrible to happen to them. See, if we allow ourselves to believe that sometimes, for whatever reason (and there are reasons), bad things happen to good people...then we are opening ourselves up to the possibility that difficulty might happen to us...and we just can't handle that thought, right? Also, it's hard to swallow that the person who is supposed to be in your life to help you needs help themselves. It feels unnatural so we buy into whatever eases our discomfort. Don't do that.
Protect them. Protect their family. Protect the unity of your church or place of business. Don't get involved in conspiracy theories and hypothetical what-ifs. Practice this by staying off of gossip sites and watching rumor mill TV shows. Treat ALL people in a place of influence, even celebrities, with respect that they are human and have the same emotions any of us have. I've been just as guilty as the next person about standing back from instead of standing with a leader.
Make it your mission to trust the heart of your leader - after all, you followed them so they can't be all bad. ;)
So what about my friend from the top of this page? She's well. She told me she won't let her pain be wasted. She told me the enemy will regret the day he ever touched her family. She trusts God now more than ever. She's on a mission to help heal hurting people. I'm proud of her. Her loss is our gain. <3
Peace.
